Sunday, January 18, 2009

Emotional Melt Down

OMG, this is the most difficult things I have had to do. As you know, I'm going through my "stuff" to get ready for the big move. I'm trying to do this methodically room-by-room. I have my office finished with the exception of those last minute items that comes down to what the heck will I need these for, lots of paperclips (they seem to multiply), lots of notepads, whole lot of pens/pencils, scissors (how in the heck did I get so many scissors?) and just junk. Okay, I have just answered my own question, just junk.

Next, my guest bedroom, Roy's room. I began in the closet where I keep a lot of my cruise clothes, heavy coats and seasonal clothes. Clothes are not hard to do, done. On top of the closet was the stuff I brought home from my Mama's house that I just knew at the time she passed (6 years ago) that I needed all those cloth napkins, table cloths, bedding and various other special things. They were special to me 'cause I knew they were special to her. That's when the emotional melt down occurred. Turns out that if I hadn't used them in 6 years, maybe they weren't that special to me. What do you think?

Time to stop. I came downstairs and called Theda. I was in tears and we talked. Maybe it's not finding all Mama's stuff as it is the entire process I'm having a meltdown about. It's only 5 months away until I change my entire life. Theda helped me to refocus on my method and said it was probably okay to not "have" to do one entire room, I can move to another room even though I have started it. I know, I know, it wasn't necessary for me to have someone give me permission to do that, but I couldn't get my head around it in the state I was in. Thanks, Theda.

I've tried not to allow my identity to be about my work but is it? Who will I be when I leave work and embark on this new lifestyle? I think as I was going through some of my files that thought crept in somewhere and it got me to thinking, have I done enough to prepare myself for this? Does everyone have these doubts? What does it say in that I have these questions?

I'll be okay when I sleep on it! I've just been immersed in sorting etc for too long this weekend. A break might help.



beckles1 said...

I can definitely identify with many of your feelings...particularly when it comes to special things that were Mother's or that she made special for me. My drawers are full!! I will work through it and maybe by you expressing your feelings it will help me and others as we deal with similar issues.

And the identity thing that you mentioned. It seems as though my life was all about work, so now I'm really struggling to find me and wonder will I find me? I'd better!! Your identity associated with work will always be a part of you because a lot of that is just Carolyn! And some of what you are is now part of Jonathan and even Taylor, at age 12. I can still remember 4 years ago when Taylor spent the night with me. She wanted to play owning a restaurant and taking my food order, etc. After the meal she asked me how her customer service was in serving me, and that it's important to her to get feedback. Of course I told her it was excellent, etc. She then told me we should all be nice to people and to always provide good customer service in anything that you do, etc. Dang, wonder who she learned that from?!

For any questions that you may have now or later, you are already prepared to deal with them because of who you are....and part of that is because of your identity. Your identity is you....and your work is part of that identity. Your career allowed you to learn and grow daily, and to share what you learned as you taught and facilitated classes. Some of what you shared, in turn, helped others and are things that may stick with them for life. I know because I learned from you. I've also had others to tell me about things they learned from you.

You asked: "Does everyone have these doubts? What does it say in that I have these questions?" It says you are normal!! Many of us are going through similar situations whether it is becoming a full-time RV'er, moving to another state, or just staying in the same location. It's kind of like graduating from high school or college....our lives are changing and it's a new chapter in life. A very big chapter!

I can remember you telling me that before every class you taught or any presentation, you always had butterflies, but that it was normal to feel that way. I suspect that most people have similar doubts and questions starting this new chapter or any chapter. I do. Think of all these feelings that you have as being butterflies, and once you get going you'll work through things in the "Carolyn" way, utilize your resources when needed, and you'll do great and have a wonderful new journey! I suspect the day that you pull out to really go on the road, it will be a major case of butterflies, and as you head down the road, those butterflies will fly away!

Bob said...

We refused to deal with this issue. We gave a few things away and jammed the rest into a 10 by 30storage unit.

There are cases of books and cases of empty wine and beer bottles (in case I want to start making wine and beer again someday).

The smart thing would have been to call the Salvation army. After three years, we've paid more storage rent than all that junk was worth.

Margie said...


Sorry to read about your meltdown although I was wondering if it was ever going to surface. You are just stronger than the rest of us so you held up longer.

OK - take deep breathes and re-focus on the goal. It's the freedom to do what you want and when you want it. To enjoy new places.

Remember it really is all "stuff". You aren't disposing of the memories; they will always be with you and that's wonderful.

And Theda is right. Although one room at a time is a great idea, all plans should be made in jello. That's part of your new freedom.

You are so much more than the person who goes to work each day. You are going to be someone "retired". When you are with friends or others, you are finally going to be that person that everyone else longs to be - a retired person with freedom.

Be thankful. Shed a few tears. And keep heading to a whole new exciting life and take the memories not the "stuff" along on your journey.

Love ya'

Margie said...

One more thing.

Feel free to call me anytime and we can have our meltdowns together.


Teresa Brooks said...

I certainly understand your feeling. I'm going to go through the same thing when I move to AZ. Stephani has already told me I have to downsize. She said they aren't moving all my stuff across country. She said, I know a lot the stuff belonged to mamaw and great-granny, but you just have it packed up and really no reason for keeping it other than for sentimental reasons. It is going to be hard especially mamaw's things that were so special to moma. So I can feel your emotions. Call me anytime if you need to talk.

Your Cuz in TN